I’ve been thinking about where I’m at in my life, and it kind of freaks me out. A lot of people say that this is “the best time of my life.” I mean I’m having a good time right now, but I’m only 20! If this is the best time of my life, honey, we’re going to have a lot of issues.
No responsibility is great. I don’t worry about bills or taxes or where my next meal is coming. But at the same time, what am I really living for? I’m not saying this in a suicidal way (I LOVE LIFE!!!), but more as a philosophical thought. Maybe it’s more my personality, but I find this time in my life to be very selfish. And while I need to take this time to be selfish and to figure out who I am and what makes me happy, I also can’t spend the rest of my life living this way. I thought about this on my way home from class, what is the purpose of success or life or happiness if you have no one to share with? Don’t worry mom, I’m not rushing down the aisle just yet because I’m not even talking about a romantic relationship, I’m talking about having a life you share with the loved-ones around you.
As much as I feel loved right now, I also feel very isolated. During my time abroad I feel as if I have changed a lot. It leaves me feeling like no one knows me anymore. My old friends remember me for who I was and haven’t been able to see all of the progress and change for the better I’ve made in my life. My new ones only know what they’ve seen so far and while I think I’ve grown they have a more shallow view of what I am. Granted, I’ve only known them 4.5 months out of my 20 years. It’s an almost freeing and scary moment to realize this change in you. However, no matter how many personal achievements I encounter in my life I feel like they are depreciated because of my age.
People have always told me, “you’ll understand when you’re older” or “you’ll think different when you’re older.” The fact of the matter is, I am older. These are my views and if you don’t like them then I guess we can just agree to disagree. I feel like older generations always say that we’re not listening, but I really think that they aren’t listening. That they spend so much time belittling your thoughts and feelings because they are different from their own. They’ve forgotten the values of discourse. They just think that everyone will “grow-up” and be just like them. I argue for the sake that you hear and understand my point, but that doesn’t mean I’m trying to change yours. I respect the views and arguments of others. Contrasting views help me learn and understand the world and society better.
Change is bittersweet. Sometimes I wish I was in elementary school again, where my biggest worry was if I got a bad report card sent home to my mom. Now I have to worry about graduating early vs. graduating in 4 years, studying abroad again in London, what industry I should enter, and how to beef up my resume. It’s annoying that I keep looking towards the next step. It’s annoying that I feel pressured by peers and society and my mother (haha just kidding on the last one) to find the next path I NEED to take. I want to get off of the path. I am sick of hearing, “so a Spanish major and a Community Action and Social Change (aka government/poli sci/psych/soc) minor what are you going to do with that?” To that I want to yell: WHAT EVER I WANT TO BE, THAT’S WHAT!
I’m sick of having to be on a path. I don’t need to go the conventional way, I’m making my own path and figuring it all out on the way. I know I’m not going to grad school right away. I know I probably won’t love my first job. I know that I’m going to end up in some weird city, at some weird job that I never intended and it’s going to be awesome and we’re all going to laugh about how I got there. Who knows, the world is my oyster. I will do with it as I please.
- Not caring (but caring enough to get me by)
- Finally writing blog posts
- Ideas hitting paper (or should I saw webpage)
- Drinking ice tea (I’m obsessed)
- Milka chocolate with oreo filling!
- Not starting my paper
- contacts not working
- Being able to write a whole blog post faster than I can write 5 sentences in Spanish