Why should we settle for what is deemed practical?

*I was inspired to write this while my two friends played their guitars and sang by the river, each of us drinking some Cruzcampo

I feel like my life is:

  • 87.9% bull shit
  • 0.1% agony
  • 12.0% pure bliss

Which equates to two things:

  1. I lead a pretty awesome life
  2. There are a lot of things I can do to lead a more purpose driven life

I spent the last two days fixating and agonizing over a test that really in the grad scheme of life means nothing. But I guess that’s a testament to my character. It’s both a positive and a negative or a rose and a thron if you must.

  • Rose: The little things matter to me. Such as picking out a t-shirt for you in your favorite color or taking the time to collage/make you the perfect birthday card.
  • Thorn: At the same time because the smallest things give me abnormal amounts of anxiety. Such as if I remembered to close the garage door while on centre ave. and I don’t remember so I turn all the way around to close it only to realize that in fact I remembered to close it and that I’ve never forgotten to close it before in my life. Also, another example is that if I’m studying and I decide my eyebrows are too bushy I will proceed to pluck them until they are too thin just so I can go back to studying. (Note: this is an awful idea, and I do not recommend it.)

While I need to cut this bull shit out of my life, I don’t want to lose what makes me, well Katie. However, sitting here and writing this makes me realize that what is causing this stress is the inability to even remember my childhood dreams, and the doubt I have for my future. I don’t want to spend the rest of my adulthood at something I don’t love. And I know, I shouldn’t be focusing on this while I’m in Spain. But watching my two friends write music and talk about how they are going to pursue this dream of theirs after college, makes me worried that I’ve already given up on mine.

I don’t know when we tell kids that their dreams are impossible or silly. I feel like once you get in high school and they tell you that what you are learning will give you practical skills for your future, they just cut all of your hopes out of you. It gets even worse in college, when they start expecting you to want to make loads of money in your life time, over doing something that will give you tons of happiness.

To all the newly graduated and to all the other kids just trying to figure out our dreams, I say screw it. Just remember what makes you happy, and try to incorporate that into your career. Don’t stress on what is practical or achievable. Where is the fun in that?

Roses:

  • Talking about life with friends
  • Listening to really good poetry
  • Skyping my mom in 2 hours

Thorns:

  • Wandering and not knowing if you’re doing the right thing
  • Doubt
  • Dream killers
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First Month Reflection

I have been living in Sevilla for a month. It just seems crazy, that this is my life. I was talking to a friend today and I told her how I just felt much more secure with myself here. The second after I typed that, I was thinking “where is that coming from!” But in all honesty I think that I’m finally figuring out Katie. I thought people were being crazy when they said: “You’ll really grow and learn more about yourself.” I thought it was all caca toro, but maybe my life is a cliche. I feel like puzzle pieces of my life are all falling together.

My friend wanted to know why I felt more secure, and I think it all has to do with the distance. I can’t just call or text the people I love when I have a problem or need to make a decision. I have to make all of the decisions by myself, and hope that I’m not making the wrong one. I get to make the selfish decisions that make Katie happy, what Katie wants but maybe doesn’t need. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my life. Don’t get me wrong I miss my family and friends more than anything, and sometimes the isolation gets to me. But at the same time, I know I can do it. I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was. I know a lot more than I thought I did.

My mom told me to take these 6 months to take a break from my future. Those of you who know me well, know that this is impossible. But the more I think about the past Katie and the Katie I see in the mirror today, the more I realize how crazy I’ve been. I’m so worried about making the right decision, that I’m missing out on all the little things in life that bring me happiness. For example the things that make me happy this week:

  1. My host mom making me tea with honey every night
  2. Seeing stray cats outside of my University
  3. Talking to my best friends before I go to sleep at night
  4. Receiving letters in the mail
  5. Being mistaken for a native Sevillano (I was wearing dark sunglasses)

Those are more tangible things that I enjoy. Here are some lists of what I’ve figured out about myself in the last month:

Things I Don’t Want to Be:

  1. Psychologist
  2. Unhappy
  3. Lawyer
  4. Boring
  5. Anything with Science (I don’t do nature/bugs)
  6. Middle School Teacher
  7. Working in a Nursing Home
  8. Farmer
  9. Athlete or Trainer or really anything that has to do with physical fitness (Let’s be honest, I don’t like to sweat)
  10. Something in the entertainment industry

Things I Never Want to Be:

  1. Bitter
  2. Scrooge
  3. 9 to 5 and miserable
  4. Full of regrets
  5. Rude

Things I Can’t Be: 

  1. The President(wasn’t born in the US as pointed out to me by my 2nd grade teacher. She had it out for me, the only teacher to ever give me a bad report card. She called me “bossy.” It’s not my fault people chose to listen to me …)
  2. A Doctor (I hate blood and I don’t do germs)
  3. Anything to do with death, grief or sickness (Funeral home, hospice, nurse, working with old people etc. It’s too difficult for me.)

My Dream Careers: 

  1. Editor/Writer at Vanity Fair
  2. Cafe/Restaurant/Boutique Owner
  3. Wedding Planner

Things I Aspire to Be: 

  1. Like my mom (strongest woman I know)
  2. Like my brothers: funny, fearless, and the most caring men I´ve ever known
  3. Less judgmental
  4. Patient
  5. Learn to say YES more often
  6. Inspirational to others
  7. Successful (both personally and professionally)

Things My Life Needs to Have: 

  1. Coffee
  2. Laughs
  3. Change and adventure
  4. Family, Friends & Gracyn
  5. Travel

Things My Career Needs to Have: 

  1. A purpose to serve
  2. Interaction/helping others
  3. Ability to master, grow, and affect the company I’m working for
  4. Leadership positions
  5. Needs to be located in an interesting city/environment
  6. Lots of travel

I’ve been blessed in my life and have a family that has given me almost everything I have ever asked for (I’m still waiting on that Pony!) I was talking with another friend, and realized that my desire to maintain my lifestyle is slightly restraining. The idea of/need to make money, overwhelms my desire to be happy. So from here on out, I’m going to live my life the way I’ve been living in Spain. I’m only going to do the things that make me happy, and hope that the rest of my life falls into place. I should print this post out because I know when I’m older I will look back and laugh at this point in my life. But for now, the fear of failure is terrifying, but hey I’m only 20 there is a lot more pain, tears, joy, and laughter in store for my life.

Sorry I wrote another long post! To make up for it I’ll leave you with a quote that has provided me with a lot of comfort.

“Sometimes you just have to take the LEAP, and build your WINGS on the way  down.”

-Kobi Yamada

Roses:

  1. Feeling comfortable in my skin
  2. Not stressing
  3. Realizing I’m only 20

Thorns:

  1. Doubt
  2. Fear of failure
  3. Not ending up happy